Book Notes - The School of Life: An Emotional Education
Buy this book here.
I first came across this book after watching this video on YouTube. In the video, the author, Alain de Botton, gives a talk in which he goes through some of the content from the book.
Book in one sentence
I wish I'd been taught these concepts in high school; this book has changed how I think about emotions, love, relationships, parenting and the expectations that society places on us.
Self
How do our minds work. How do they carry us through our lives? How can we better understand and be kind to ourselves, but still aim to improve?
An entire section of the book is devoted to the concept of self. There is so much in this section which encourages us to realise that we may not have it all together and that's ok, because a sign of emotional intelligence is to understand that, accept it and work through it:
The emotionally intelligent person knows that they will only ever be mentally healthy in a few areas and at certain moments, but is committed to fathoming their inadequacies and warning others of them in good time, with apology and charm.
I found myself thinking a lot about my thought patterns and how they impact my behaviour. How am I kind to myself? How could I be kinder to myself? How could I be a better friend to myself?
…we know how to treat our own friends with a sympathy and imagination that we don't apply to ourselves…
In friendship, we know instinctively how to deploy strategies of wisdom and consolation that we stubbornly refuse to apply to ourselves.
Philosophical Meditation - An Exercise
Philosophical meditation is a great exercise to help you better understand yourself. The practice involves asking yourself these three large questions:
What am I anxious about right now?
What am I upset about right now?
What am I ambitious and excited about right now?
I've found that occasionally journaling on the above helps me to better understand what might be bothering me. It helps me to bring things to the surface.
The Shadow Side
Essentially, this concept challenges us to look at things that bother us about other people and realise that these are the shadow side of things that are good about them. If you think about the annoying traits your spouse / parent / colleague has and make a list, it is very likely that you could come up with a positive trait you admire in them, to correspond with each negative one.
For example, if someone is messy, that is the shadow side of a positive trait. The positive trait might be flexibility or creativity or adaptability.
I've used this concept in the workplace during coaching sessions. It was a helpful and powerful way to encourage people to reframe their thinking, in particular if they were struggling in their working relationships.
A great exercise is to draw up a list of negative traits and explain they are the shadow side of good qualities and then invite participants to come up with the positive qualities. I've done this before during a workshop and it worked quite well.
Becoming a Skilled Interrupter
Another great concept is to become a skilled interrupter when listening to people. On of the face of it, this sounds negative, but if applied carefully and considerately, it can be quite powerful.
Basically, when you're in a conversation with someone, try to help them go back to an important concept that they may have overlooked. You can do this in two ways, you can say,
"But just a moment ago you were saying..."
Or,
"Ultimately, what do you think it was about?".
Technically speaking this might not be in line with empathic listening, but I've used it a few times with good results.
Don’t Do Anything
The final concept that stood out to me was the importance of doing nothing, in particular, staring out of the window. Our workplaces have become obsessed with optimisation, with productivity and efficiency. Just the other day I was discussing with a friend how technology provides us with the potential to work less, but instead we use it to work more.
Taking the time to daydream, to do nothing, to gaze out of the window, it enables us to be more introspective. I wonder how this would be interpreted in most workplaces today, if occasionally you saw a colleague sitting by the window, sans laptop or tablet or phone, looking out and doing nothing...
Romantic vs Classical View of Relationships
If I think about all the books that I've read, the ones that I consider great, have changed me. This book is definitely in the great category and it's largely due to this way of thinking: the Romantic vs Classical template for love.
Every time I discuss these concepts with people, they say, "Oh wow. That makes sense. I wish I'd known that when I first started dating / got married / had kids." Perhaps you'll think the same.
The Romantic template for love, or Romanticism as a concept, is probably something that you will realise you are aware of, once it has been explained. It has been a part of our culture since the mid 1700s. Romanticism doesn't apply to every relationship completely but most relationships will have elements of it, whether you are aware of them of not.
Romantic Template for Relationships
At a high level, Romanticism proposes the following:
Your marriage should be amazing, all of the time, for the entire time. It shouldn't feel any different to how it felt when you first met, regardless of how long you have been married or how many kids you've had or how many life traumas you have experienced.
Love and sex are united concepts. The amount of sex you have, and the quality, is a barometer for the health of your relationship.
Your partner should be able to read your mind and anticipate your needs. Your love will be all that you need and will cure any feelings of loneliness.
Feelings should be paramount to practicalities when choosing a partner. It is "unromantic" to value the practical benefits or qualities that your partner brings over and above the way that they make you feel.
If you are really in love, everything that your partner does should delight you. If you are asking them to change, or you are being asked to change yourself, then that is a sign that the relationship is probably doomed to fail.
After becoming aware of these concepts, I consistently see how they are reinforced in our social constructs.
Classical Template for Relationships
The book proposes a more psychologically mature alternative, called the Classical template, which proposes:
Love and sex are not always united concepts.
There should be a serious discussion regarding money, early in a relationship.
Acknowledge your flaws and those of your partner, which will increase the tolerance in your relationship.
Your partner will never provide you with everything that you need in another person, but that's ok. It doesn't mean your relationship is flawed.
Intuition will not save your relationship; you need to make an effort to communicate what you need and apply effort to understand your partner. This will at times feel forced, awkward or artificial.
It's important to discuss how things will work practically and domestically e.g. Who does the dishes? Who does the laundry? How will we manage our careers and family life to ensure we feel fulfilled?
In a relationship, both people should recognise that it is an opportunity to improve and be improved. Your partner will teach you things, sometimes these will be uncomfortable truths that you need to hear.
Key Takeaway for me and my life
This book has given me a lot to think about and has changed how I think about relationships. I'm trying to forget the cultural definition of love and romanticism and apply a more classical perspective. I'm hoping it will be a while before my kids start dating, but when they do, I'll encourage them to read this book.